Strength of Will / Fortitude / Chutzpah

I ran into Hammer Film Frog again last night.  Occasionally, we share the same. He paid me an interesting, but good compliment last night.  He told his friend that he was crushing on me because I am straight-forward and that I have balls.  And that made me pause, when did having moxie, chutzpah, strength of will, backbone and fortitude become such a bad thing in a woman?

I’ve been called out most of my life for “being too forward”.  I don’t think about it – I just move forward – it’s me. It’s my genetic make up which should be seen, I think, as an asset instead of a detriment. Unfortunately, as a child it got me into a lot of hot water.  I wasn’t a rebellious kid – but I pressed for answers.  I think my bullshit meter went off early on.  I didn’t believe that “because I said so” was an acceptable response. Am I learning something from your reason – no.  Are you taking the time to teach me something from your answer – no. So why can’t I? I don’t think my parents were equipped to deal with me.

I think on some level there was a subscription of you’re meant to be seen and not heard and girls don’t act like that.  Fuck what girls don’t act like….someone fought for me to have the right to do the things, that I’m able to now- and I’d like to use that power.  Childhood would probably have been easier on both my parents and myself, had they realized I wasn’t “being rebellious” and realized that I had independent needs.  I know that instead of because I told you so – I would have handled – I don’t like where that group outing is located that’s why you aren’t going – a whole lot better.  It could have opened up some serious discussions / learning points between my parents and I and helped to foster analytical skills.

I remember my mother telling my friends, that it’s always been my way or the highway.  That’s further from the truth and what I feel is a common mistake people make when they don’t understand us. Take for example creating a project:   We have a vision – then we have a plan – then we start putting it into place. It’s mine, I created it and I thought about it – however, and this is a key point that people miss out on. If you take the time to sit down and discuss my plan with me, it’s all good.  I don’t mind.  I don’t mind if you voice concerns about a part of the plan, or point out to me it would be better if it’s done this way – but don’t be scared to speak to me because I seem so independent and excited about getting the ball rolling.  I’m willing to negotiate – just reach out.  I’m not going to chase you down.  They key thing here is approach and listen.

To add onto this, there are two ways to solve a problem.  If I do it my way with correct results because it makes sense – rather than your way – leave it alone.  Honor the fact I’m doing it my way because it makes sense to me. You’re going to penalize me for not understanding???  Maybe you could learn from my reasoning, how to verbalize things so there is less miscommunication.

Strong people – we breathe fire as a result of depending on ourselves more than often; and more than occasionally we’ve learned the hard way. We’ve had to bounce back time after time of being beaten…..That’s one of our magical powers. We aren’t going to stop being true to ourselves.  We need someone who is going to step up – step in and see the value of creating a partnership.  This means we will push you to be all that you can become.  And honestly, if you aren’t ready for it – there is no shame in admitting that.  We are not going to stop being ourselves / saying / doing  and thinking. We have a long history of this – it’s ingrained in us.  Self – reliance and fortitude are our friends. We have learned by experience to lead. Be prepared. We will calm it down with proper support and help. But we won’t carry you.  We can’t.  And it will end in tears.

From my experience, I’ve learned that I can count on me.  If I don’t do it for me – who will? I’ve had to do a lot of things alone and this has toughened me and hardened me.  I know I’m the shit and I can do it. I can’t believe that some men are intimidated because I can hold my own and I can do things without them.   In the same token just because I can, doesn’t mean I want to.  I want a relationship, where the man helps me shoulder my load. In fact, I kind of expect him to just dig in or ask where he can help. But if you’re too intimidated to even ask – why bother? We are never going to work well together.  I don’t want someone who is going to hide – be bold, make it known, get uncomfortable. Growth for both of us is going to occur outside our zones.  You can learn boldness and I can learn subtlety.

When it comes to things we disagree on- just because I can do it and I know I got it – I still would like to hear that emotional support. We aren’t emotionless ogres.  We’ve been conditioned to doing things on OUR OWN. Expressions of appreciation go a long way. I’ll standby you even though I don’t agree – I’d like the same in return.  Again, just because I’m strong doesn’t mean that I don’t like hearing appreciation.  That’s the simplest you can do for someone. Oh, and, I will ask questions – get used to that.  You wouldn’t want someone who is a “partner” to create a plan for you that you have no say in; or can’t inquire about. Talk about a double standard…..I don’t see why this would frighten a man. Or maybe it’s the type……

To me, being strong and having balls and looking out for yourself isn’t a bad thing at all. It’s a skill that will carry me through life.   Sure it’s not entirely feminine, but neither is playing stupid to get a man.  God, that irritates the shit out of me. We are no different from anyone else….we have the same needs, wants and desires. A strong person is an asset and the right people recognize that and make one helluva team.



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