I’m weird….There, I said it. I’ve been listening to the Hay House Summit this week and this morning I chose to listen to Barbara De Angelis. I’m glad that I did. I grew up in a place where if things are different it was wrong. Self – help manuals, seminars, books, essentially anything to do with that topic was viewed as weak. We didn’t talk about our problems or discuss anything. Do as I do was the unseen message and I carried that with me until my divorce. That message no longer worked and I needed a change.
It hit me over the head when she said that we can either live in the moment aka the basement or shift out. I’ve been living in the basement lately. It’s hard to bounce back when your soul is tired. My soul is tired. I’ve overcome a ton of adversity in my life. I’ve had to stand up and represent me. In a lot of instances, no one was going to fight my fight but me. I had no one in my life who understood the challenges that I faced. If I want to admit the truth to myself I have been self reliant since high school. I started hearing the message “If you don’t do this my way, I’m going to stop doing things for you. You must not appreciate what I do – do for you. Do you see your father doing this for you?” Okay, if that is what the game is – you’ve already given up on me. Why do I need you and your help? I don’t. This is why I don’t care how things get done – just do it. There is more than one way to skin a cat. If the results are the same- why argue about it. I needed to come home one summer in college and I was told “No, that I would never go back.” Who the fuck did she think she was talking to? I was living out of state, earning my own money, paying for my own apartment and car and I was an A / B student. Seriously. There have been others and for some of them the result is the same.
I’m pretty sure from these experiences, that I refuse to ask people for help. I’ve been let down. When I ask you for help – I let my wall down. When you disappoint me the wall goes up and it’s going to stay up. And then I start judging you, finding you lacking. You’ve let me down – why am I ever going to ask you for help again -I’m not. And both behaviors the judging and not helping are wrong. So then the issue becomes forgiveness – can I give you another chance, but then can I trust you to do it. And if the problem continues – my boundaries are going to up – I don’t want you in my life. What are you bringing outside of stress? I’m strong and I’ve been doing it – I know I can do it – I want that person in my life to pick up and run with things. I expect that. Maybe I’m too hard on people, however, when you are in my life: friend, confidant or relationship wise, we are a team for different reasons. It’s natural to help your teammates.
As a result I’m big on communication. If you’re going to be late helping me – tell me – If you don’t understand tell me – If you’re going to do it tomorrow – tell me. Lots of issues can be overcome with good communication. Perhaps communication is a crutch fallback – I’d rather hear something even if it’s an answer I hate than nothing. Nothing to me equates you don’t give a shit. And that’s probably a too hardline of a reaction – so prove me wrong. And yes, I’m big on actions. The ex used to say he would stop texting Autumn, Megan, Heather and whoever the fuck else and you know what – he never did. He just became craftier at hiding it. I wasn’t good enough – he needed attention while I was studying for school. Of course that was all my fault.
I’d rather have your time than an expensive gift. Your time with me is priceless and that’s a gift in itself. Material goods get lost and break overtime, but memories last. Everyone has a story with their best friend. It’s one you remember, everyone has a story about that person who decided to mentor them because the mentor saw something in that person, everyone has a story for that stranger who asked them what was wrong on a bad day…..time is priceless. I prefer that to any gift in the world. I’d rather have your comradery, support, loyalty – you in my life than any Christmas Gift or Birthday Gift in the world.
I do own my shit. I own my shit because for the last 2 years out of 6 – everything was my fault. It was my fault that the jar of spaghetti sauce broke the window – it was my fault he didn’t have the correct directions and was going the wrong way on the belt way, it was my fault he attacked me because I made him mad. No – it was his fault. He had a choices. Instead of choosing to say I want a divorce, or putting the spaghetti sauce down and walking away or getting the correct directions before he started driving he chose to project that all on me. I can say none of it was ever my fault. I will never be another person’s doormat. The feeling of living in a prison for 2 years – drives that. I may be headstrong at times, but understand where this is coming from. I never want to feel broken and less than worthy ever again. I would never do that to someone in my life – ever.
I know that I’m impatient. It’s on me – if you start changing your actions on the timeline, may not be my timeline, but you’re doing it – I need to respect the fact you are doing it. If it’s a continuous thing forgiveness and trust become my problem. But don’t bounce back and forth. I’ve got no need for shifty shadiness. Either it is or it’s not. It can’t be both. That’s my boundary. That’s not changing.
I know I still have work to do – I need to get out of the basement. If no one is going to help me then I have to do it myself for me. I have to figure out what is in the moment and make the right choices and vantage points. After all I had a choice today – I didn’t have to listen.