Reader Q

Found a question from a reader in my inbox. This person was asking if I thought cheating in some instances was warranted: i.e. when you have tried everything and your partner just won’t.

Short answer: no cheating is never okay.

Long answer: do you mean have I ever experienced the soul crushing experience of giving 100% when both you and your partner realize there are problems and your partner doesn’t want to change things or doesn’t seem like they care. And you live in a world of silent dying frustration because it would seem that if they loved you – they would make an effort to do the things that need changing.  But no you constantly have to remind them and that grates every last minute on your nerves.  Suddenly, you wake up and everything becomes your fault according to your perfect partner.  You’re not a nice person or fill in the blank.  All you want is a kind word, how it used to be, to know you are loved and instead it’s a world of silent desperation.

And in this world of silent desperation, the guy who holds the door open for you one day, starts looking good.  Or how about the male co worker who brought coffee or complimented you on your shirt or work or fill in the blank.  And it’s sad that you start reaching out to twist human kindness under the guise of something else.  But you aren’t getting it at home. Your partner clearly doesn’t love you anymore.

Sure cheating seems like a respite, an oasis of emotion for two people who aren’t getting it at home.  But again, cheating is the easy way out.  Easy way out you say, how when there is lying and deception and concealment and the possibility of getting caught through an STD or pregnancy or plainly just getting caught.  Well it takes balls to leave.  It takes balls to realize that you are unhappy and life needs to be changed.  So many people say we stay for the kids.  Kids aren’t stupid – what kind of fucking role model are you providing them.  Mommy and Daddy tolerate each other for you – Mommy and Daddy each have someone else instead of divorcing.  What does that show them?  Their most important relationship with another human is already de-valued.

Leaving is hard I won’t lie.  You have to give up the house and the car and you split custody, but you get to re-invent the new you.  You can show your children how to re-built, how to figure out exactly what they want out of life.  Instead of de-valuing their other parent with another person – sometimes you have to divorce and split and start all over again.

So yes, I’ve been there.  I’ve given someone every chance in the world – more chances that I should have and they fucked it up.  I’ve felt unloved, ugly and I’ve been depressed and frustrated.  I’ve been my tongue and died inside.

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